A repost for Good Friday

I found this post from a Good Friday post that I wrote on my old blog in 2009....Thought it was good enough to re-post. Happy Easter everyone.


it's Good Friday. isn't it supposed to be like the day to blog and think deep thoughts about what this day represents? probably. just to preface, mine probably won't be that deep.

today, I remember what my Saviour, Jesus Christ did for me although i should remember every day sometimes it's one of those, "thanks God. You know I appreciate You. You know i wouldn't be here without You". but sometimes, it's good to really sit and remember that the God who made the entire universe is in love with me. He's in love with you too. c.s. lewis is my favourite and he wrote, "Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it". gosh that blows my mind. it blows my mind that the God who created things i can't even fathom cheers for me when i'm happy and when i'm confused or sad He puts His arms around me because He is concerned for me. wow.

In reading the Easter story, I came across Matthew 26:50. Matthew's account is probably my favourite because even when Judas betrays Jesus, Jesus still calls him Friend.

i'm usually anti-cliche' statements, and i think it's sad that it has almost become a statement that doesn't mean anything anymore when we say, "oh yeah God, thanks for sending Jesus to die for me and for raising Him from the dead" and we really don't think of everything that really meant. of everything that really means.

today, i am once again reminded that Amazing Grace is more than just a song because i'm the wretch that song talks about. i really was that miserable, despicable person who was saved by the overwhelming Love of an incredible God.

so,


i reflect on today...the day that made Sunday Good.

~Patty

Durban and Swaziland

I don't think that there is anything better to make one happy after going through a tough transition than coming back to Africa. Oh, just boarding the plane to Jo Burg, I was overcome with happiness. It had been 2 years since I had stepped foot on African soil and almost 4 since I had taken that long flight from Atlanta to Johannesbug to start my first job overseas in Botswana. Africa is good for the soul. So, I went on South African Airways, they are SO much better than American and United. Landed in Jo burg- tried to get through as quickly as possible, because....well, I hate Jo burg. I hate everything about it. Need more information? Read my Masters degree thesis entitled, "Impacts of Democratic Consolidation in South Africa".

What? you may ask? You wrote your thesis for your Master's Degree over South Africa?? Yep. I SURE DID. Because I'm freakishly obsessed with the country. In 2007, I lived like 3 km away from the border. So, I would go to Rustenburg, Pilansburg. Fell in LOVE with the country that is....because let's remember that I fall in love with countries more than men. Started picking up Afrikaans. Thus, wrote my thesis over this country that had such a grasp on me.
But then, I went to Liberia and loved West Africa- which then stole my heart- but if you're looking for the amenities,+beauty+Africans- that would be the one and only South Africa.

So i arrived in Durban WITHOUT my luggage- the only bad thing about the entire trip! So I found Amanda and her friend Megan and we waited around and shopped a bit in the airport until the next flight showed up AGAIN without my baggage. So we went to our bed and breakfast. The next day- we went to Mugg and Bean- yummm, and then I of course bought some biltong. Got my luggage- yay!!! Then we went to the Indian Ocean! So, even though it was dreary, I had to stick my feet in. So I could officially check off the Indian Ocean along with the Pacific Ocean and Atlantic. Only the Arctic remains!!



Then we made it to Swaziland. Poor Amanda was rushing to get back because I had a job interview on Skype at a certain time that got moved up- but we made it! We also found Debonairs- my favourite pizza that I love- mostly because there isn't sauce on it. Had it when I was working in Botswana. oh, sooooo good. Today was kind of a lazy day- since I think jet lag finally went away and I could sleep and boy...did i sleep. So, that's the update from Durban to Swazi- I'll try to blog one more time before I leave at the end of next week- practicing to become better at blogging....but we all know how that might go.

Til next time,

Patty

Adieu Haiti

Wow. How come no one told me that time flies by? Well, maybe it wasn't until now that I finally understood. My time in Haiti has finished. 14 months. Wow. I can't believe I made it. Coming back has been difficult, but I knew that would be the case.

The day I left, I woke up to the guards shedding a tear or two- which made me sad. I got in the truck with Conor and Justin- two friends that had to go towards PaP anyway. I mentioned in the car how I thought I would cry- and I was told to go ahead, but prideful me decided, no, I'm not going to cry. We drive the 2 hours to Port au Prince. We talk as normal, and I go into moments of deep thought.

As we pass Leogane- what has been dubbed as "Patty's town" it's hard to fully comprehend that there's a chance I'll never come back, or at the very least, I don't know when I will. We would go eat in Leogane, and people would stop me. Depending on the time of day- hundreds of people in Leogane would stop me close to different sites, yelling "Patty! we haven't seen you in a long time!". Yep. This was MY place, MY people.

So, we get to the airport and I'm surprised by 3 friends from our other base that I wasn't expecting- I guess that's the meaning of surprise. We were being rushed by airport police- but it was so nice to see them again. I take my two huge bags and check them in- there wasn't a line in the check -in, to join the everlong line to security.

Since the line was so long- I just started thinking- of my friends that came to tell me bye. Of good times I've had. How just the week before after dinner, 6 of us just stayed, talking about life and worries and concerns. And then we just prayed for each other. And I thought of how much I was going to miss that. Being with people my age- who I don't have to explain myself to, and I don't have to explain why I like being in the field and who aren't awkward with me, who know just as much as I do about pop culture (which isn't much) and it's okay, because we talk about things that actually matter. Other people who also believe that maybe Jesus meant what He said when He said what true religion is in James 1:27. People with whom I don't even have to explain why I'm upset- because they know how I feel. People with whom I don't have to put a fake smile on while thinking on the inside, "Gosh, you're stupid". Thinking that everything that I grew to love and adore was leaving me, all in the same day, and I was about to leave this country and go into everything that is completely opposite.

So, upon realising this, I did what anybody would do....I cried. Uncontrollably. In the line for security. I put my face in my shirt and kept saying, "oh, get a grip Patty". As the lady in front of me- wasn't exactly sure what she was supposed to do. Not like she could help much- she had just gotten back from spending a week in Haiti and had her hair braided. What could she tell me spending 60x longer in Haiti than she did?

Well, after much crying, I'm back in the States. Reconnecting with my family- I've changed a lot- so have they. I'm off to Swaziland to visit one of my oldest friends from high school and old housemates- Amanda- on Friday- should prove to be a grand old time. Til then- praying about what to do next- and learning to have grace with those who may not have been where I have, who may not think like I do.

Til next time,
Patty

pain makes me realise, i know nothing

Chouchou: It's French and Kreyol for a pet name. "My love, etc." One of my shelter sites, Darbonne 1, is by far my chouchou site. This was the beauty of Darbonne on move in day.



my shelter sites are pretty close to my heart. some closer than others. i mean- we go through the whole process- getting them to dig latrines and dig their plastic. going out there every day for 2+ months can really cause you to get attached. I can point to everyone that lives there. Show you what babies were born there. I played with their children often, practiced my sign language with the deaf lady there. we even had one altercation when we were starting a site close by. we ended up going there and they protected us from the other angry people. all that to say- they mean a lot to me.

so, i guess it's only been last week where my heart was so sad. Haiti is so different from other places I've worked. just when i think i've figured it out- i'm wrong again. because- in all honesty- their mentality is different. they have the "give me" mentality. when you look at their trash- you think how they really aren't THAT poor compared to other places i've been and lived. and, they have no respect for their neighbors. it is as though if someone else has something better- it doesn't matter- they want to be the one to benefit. many articles have been written about this mentality- causes have been placed from the U.S. to voodoo. all valid opinions.

i remember when i was building the site next to it- Darbonne 2. people got mad that some people were chosen and they weren't. i sat down with them and had a long drawn out talk- that ended with, "let me get this straight. you're just mad that you didn't qualify. right?" "right" one man replied. "so, if you would have gotten a house, you wouldn't be acting like this right?" "exactly!"- he replied. "oh. glad we cleared that up. this is what you're going to do. you're going to say, thank you patty for taking the time to assess me. i am very glad for my brother that got a house and now i'm going to go". he laughed and said, "mesi" and was on his way.

so, because some people had basic necessities at the camp- others began to terrorize them at night. they stoned one of the leaders and everyone was scared. after i went out there- one of the leaders just said, "patty, on the inside, i am dead". their faces were sad. for the first time in a long time, i could actually FEEL my heart breaking. one of the leaders wives had a panic attack right in front of us.

i don't know what it's like to be stoned because i stood up for what is right. i don't know what it's like to have to give my babies to an orphanage because i don't have the money or the security to keep them. i don't know what it's like to sit in my house terrified to leave at night because people are walking around outside purposely trying to terrorize me.

as much as i feel like i understand, i really don't. as much as i think that i have a grasp on 3rd world life- i really don't. if you've never been in the field, i don't think i can explain the beauty that still exists here. i have been here for 13 months. you may say, Patty, how can you say that? honestly, i don't know. but regardless what i may know or don't know, the Truth remains and now I'm left in silence, because all of the feelings I wish I could explain to people who don't even know where to start to understand where I'm coming from, can't be put into words. And since they can't- I won't try to.

Love,
P

yog-ocracy+ i think i'm growing up

Okay. So much for blogging more often. Lots has happened. Went to a cool waterfall after I got back, my first waterfall in Haiti. I must say again- that was a blast! then, On February 8th- it was my 1 year anniversary of being in Haiti. Wow. I can't believe it's been a year.

Ian and Monica- the only two that have been here longer than me by about a week- are leaving on Monday. This causes me to write about something quite special to my heart. Exercising is my anti-drug. Do you remember those commercials from the 90s? Well, I do. Okay, it may not be my anti-drug, well, maybe it is, but that just sounds dorky. It's my de-stresser, my way of coping if you will. So, as I've included more and more people into yoga, we've been dubbed many names..."the yoga cult", "the exercise group" but my favourite by far is "yog-ocracy". See below



the bright light in between us is Bob. Bob Harper. He's my favourite. Monica has been faithful to the yog-ocracy. Often doing it when everyone else bails. Funny moments of when we were the only two doing yoga and we'd stand side by side accidently hitting each other, before we realised that we had the entire room.

Monica and I have had good times together. I'm honored to have spent time in Haiti, loving people beside her- at shelter sites- where she's do hygiene promotion....getting pulled out of situations with Minustah (the UN) to yoga to tea time talks. And then there's Ian- who has been a good sounding board, also with whom I had the grossest experience of my life- with de-pumping latrines, I'm not too sad though- because I'll see them in a couple of weeks in Switzerland at the ROC. But a part of my life in Haiti will definitely be missed.

So,

now, onto the 2nd part of my blog- which is what makes it so long. I guess if I blogged more often I could have one topic/blog. Still working on that. So, I spent some time at the other base the past couple of weeks, working on starting our evaluations of the food part of our program on that side. A couple of days ago, I was walking around with one of my friends that I've known for about 6 months. And she said to me, "Patty, I've seen you grow so much in the 6 months I've known you". "Really?" I replied. She went on to say how she could see me grow as a worker and as a person and how cool that was for her to be able to see that.

That was surprising to me (in a good way- it's always nice when people see that you're trying to be a better person)- and made me think a lot too. because. i don't feel like i've grown very much. it's actually been this past year that i've realised some of the ugly things inside of me, that i didn't even know were there. things that have taken many tears, many angry moments, and much silence to come to terms with. you know, when i was 20 or so (back in the day) I remember how I used to think I amazing I was. Ha ha. Then I think when I hit about 23 or so, I started to realise how screwed up I am. :) Or maybe that's what happens when you think of yourself like Romans 12 says, "thinking of yourself with sober judgment", and it was then that I just started realising who I really am.

I just had my exit interview as i'm leaving in the next couple of months and when i was answering questions about the past year, i couldn't help but say, "Hmm....I guess it's really cool how God works, because had this been july, august, september- i would probably have spit nails during my interview.....but.....it's not july, august or september". it's february, and i just can't explain how different things are. but, they are.

i think in facing situations, i've never faced before and feelings i've never had to deal with before, i finally had to admit, with my head bowed, "i guess i'm not tall enough yet, God. I'm willing to grow more". And even though Haiti is known by all as a difficult place, with a people that are difficult to deal with, maybe it's a place that refines people....makes them better in that it teaches one about himself/herself.

Well, I still have a little over a month and a half left in my contract for sure. Inshallah, maybe I'll have more lessons to learn.

I can only hope.

~P

this is going to be a boring post

probably because I can't think of much to say, but I just feel like I should blog more. so, i'm trying. Let's see. 2011 is already going by so fast! The first month is almost over. Since I've gotten back it's been full of Evaluating and writing new forms and hopefully making tools that will last for a long time in the M&E department- well, at least it will if we have another grant similar to the one we have now.

it's been fun learning new things and soaking it all in. Well, in the next couple of weeks, many people will be leaving. SO sad. and yes, I've extended mine- i'm going the wrong way. Some days I think it's because I'm an idiot. Scratch that to most days. I don't think i'll be getting another r&r, so I'm quite sure that I will be grouchy by the time I get home and 2. I'll sleep for the 2 weeks that i have at home before I head to South Africa to visit my old roomie Amanda!

Next week I'm headed to our other base for a couple of days. Excited I get to spend some time with friends there. Last time, Jordanne and I slept on the roof of one of the houses there and I accidently kept clawing her- thinking someone had taken her. Hey, 4 a.m. is brutal. and scary when you think your friend has been taken.

i guess thus far in 2011, i'm learning to trust. so many options. not a fan of so many options, because then i feel as though the more options, the more options for making a wrong choice. but, we'll see. hopefully something back on the mother continent that I miss so dearly- or maybe one more year in Haiti, who knows. Praying for guidance as the SP Haiti chapter is coming to a close quickly. but, i think i have a couple of more years left in me.

random thoughts by me- because now i'm too tired to actually make sentences:

-grateful that I get to do what I do
-i guess not everyone is wired to LIKE to do what i do
-grateful for people that are placed in my life-it's like they are right where they're supposed to be
- linkin park- song iridescent is so true when it says- "remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go"-it makes life easier
-i love my mom- she's the coolest person in the entire world
- so grateful too for friends that bring you sun bags- yesssss for no more cold showers (thanks Jordanne)
- i think i have permanent bags under my eyes- yet i still look like i'm 17. seriously people, what 17 year old has bags under her eyes?

and i just want to say that God winked at me this week. just taking care of little things that wouldn't really fall apart- but would cause me stress. i like being the wink-ee. especially of a God wink.

So, new news in Haiti...Baby Doc- Jean Claude Duvalier- former dictator of Haiti came back last week. One of our security guys actually came up to me last Sunday and said, "do you know Jean Claude Duvalier?" and I said, "well, I know who he is, but I don't know him personally". So he asked me if it was true that he came back. I thought, why would he come back? He's been gone for years! Turns out he was on the plane from France at that moment. See, my friend Monica and I came to the conclusion that Haiti- is just one huge soap opera. At least that's how it runs. When things calm down- people do things to rile everything up. It's what makes Haiti, Haiti. So, things had started to calm down with cholera...There's still people in CTCs, but numbers are dropping and he comes back! and NOW Aristide, former president claims he wants to come back too! seriously? the week the presidential results are supposed to be released no less.

oh, man. this is going to be interesting. as are all things in haiti.

-P

Happy 2011!

Happy 2011! It's hard to believe that 2011 is already here, much less that it's getting close to mid-January! Is it true that as you get older time just goes by faster and faster? It seems true. I look back at 2010 and realise that amidst all the struggles that came about living in Haiti from the beginning of February on- what a great year it was! I'm really excited about this year- although at the beginning of the year comes with some uncertainty. My contract ends in the beginning of April, and it's always hard to leave. I will have been in Haiti for almost 14 months. It's my life. Living in a volatile nation and all that comes with it, IS my normal.

Well, moving on I guess to work stuff.

I not have a new job. I'm working with our Single Year Assistance Program (SYAP). I didn't realise how hard it would be to leave my shelter sites. When I came back from vacation, I talked to the person who took over my job and she said, "yeah, they won't give me this stuff, because they say they'll only give it to you". :). So, I went to go talk to them- and oh, I love them so much.

Especially this one site called Darbonne- definitely my favourite. 3 months ago, I happened to visit the day after two babies were born at the site. Well, when I went back two days ago, I saw one of the moms, with the baby!!! Here is the cutey...

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It's so awesome to see such a healthy baby! Born in our shelter! Oh, how beautiful.
But I must say, I am really growing to like my new job. I'm the Monitoring and Evaluation Officer for the program, so I get to
look at all of our programs, and come up with tools to well...monitor and evaluate how we're doing. To see if what we're doing is really effective. What is pretty awesome is when you get to see how effective some of our programs really are. I actually wrote a success story talking about our WASH Food For Work. Specifically our latrines. In this program- the beneficiaries dig the pit and get food for working. So at the end, they get some food, and they get a latrine that they didn't have before! (yes, in an ideal world- or maybe just Africa- they'd do it without the food- but we'll overlook that for now).


Saturday, I got to go up in the mountains to look at some of our water systems we have running. It was I think my 3rd time going deep into the mountains. Oh, man. Something about the mountains and the bush make me happy. The people are the most amazing people that you'll ever meet and man are they tough. I get tired just watching everything that they lug up and down the mountain.

Definitely amazingly gorgeous.



The photo does not do it justice. we walked and walked and walked. we went and saw the sping cachements that we are doing through our Food For Work WASH program. SO amazing, I even drank from it.- no worries. it was clean (Bev I learned my lesson)



I was glad I got my mountains fix.

So tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the earthquake. Today was a good reminder of that. As I was walking around talking to people, those i knew and those i didn't. They told me stories from last year- how God spared their lives. And I realised how hard it hits me. The stories I heard last February hit me harder than they did then. It's like hearing what my family had to go through- because that is what they have become.

So, tomorrow, at 4:53- if you'll remember- it's the moment of silence. Remember those who passed and those who are still here.

Okay- more later- but so far, this year is pretty awesome. Let's keep it that way.

Love,
P