pain makes me realise, i know nothing

Chouchou: It's French and Kreyol for a pet name. "My love, etc." One of my shelter sites, Darbonne 1, is by far my chouchou site. This was the beauty of Darbonne on move in day.



my shelter sites are pretty close to my heart. some closer than others. i mean- we go through the whole process- getting them to dig latrines and dig their plastic. going out there every day for 2+ months can really cause you to get attached. I can point to everyone that lives there. Show you what babies were born there. I played with their children often, practiced my sign language with the deaf lady there. we even had one altercation when we were starting a site close by. we ended up going there and they protected us from the other angry people. all that to say- they mean a lot to me.

so, i guess it's only been last week where my heart was so sad. Haiti is so different from other places I've worked. just when i think i've figured it out- i'm wrong again. because- in all honesty- their mentality is different. they have the "give me" mentality. when you look at their trash- you think how they really aren't THAT poor compared to other places i've been and lived. and, they have no respect for their neighbors. it is as though if someone else has something better- it doesn't matter- they want to be the one to benefit. many articles have been written about this mentality- causes have been placed from the U.S. to voodoo. all valid opinions.

i remember when i was building the site next to it- Darbonne 2. people got mad that some people were chosen and they weren't. i sat down with them and had a long drawn out talk- that ended with, "let me get this straight. you're just mad that you didn't qualify. right?" "right" one man replied. "so, if you would have gotten a house, you wouldn't be acting like this right?" "exactly!"- he replied. "oh. glad we cleared that up. this is what you're going to do. you're going to say, thank you patty for taking the time to assess me. i am very glad for my brother that got a house and now i'm going to go". he laughed and said, "mesi" and was on his way.

so, because some people had basic necessities at the camp- others began to terrorize them at night. they stoned one of the leaders and everyone was scared. after i went out there- one of the leaders just said, "patty, on the inside, i am dead". their faces were sad. for the first time in a long time, i could actually FEEL my heart breaking. one of the leaders wives had a panic attack right in front of us.

i don't know what it's like to be stoned because i stood up for what is right. i don't know what it's like to have to give my babies to an orphanage because i don't have the money or the security to keep them. i don't know what it's like to sit in my house terrified to leave at night because people are walking around outside purposely trying to terrorize me.

as much as i feel like i understand, i really don't. as much as i think that i have a grasp on 3rd world life- i really don't. if you've never been in the field, i don't think i can explain the beauty that still exists here. i have been here for 13 months. you may say, Patty, how can you say that? honestly, i don't know. but regardless what i may know or don't know, the Truth remains and now I'm left in silence, because all of the feelings I wish I could explain to people who don't even know where to start to understand where I'm coming from, can't be put into words. And since they can't- I won't try to.

Love,
P