pain makes me realise, i know nothing

Chouchou: It's French and Kreyol for a pet name. "My love, etc." One of my shelter sites, Darbonne 1, is by far my chouchou site. This was the beauty of Darbonne on move in day.



my shelter sites are pretty close to my heart. some closer than others. i mean- we go through the whole process- getting them to dig latrines and dig their plastic. going out there every day for 2+ months can really cause you to get attached. I can point to everyone that lives there. Show you what babies were born there. I played with their children often, practiced my sign language with the deaf lady there. we even had one altercation when we were starting a site close by. we ended up going there and they protected us from the other angry people. all that to say- they mean a lot to me.

so, i guess it's only been last week where my heart was so sad. Haiti is so different from other places I've worked. just when i think i've figured it out- i'm wrong again. because- in all honesty- their mentality is different. they have the "give me" mentality. when you look at their trash- you think how they really aren't THAT poor compared to other places i've been and lived. and, they have no respect for their neighbors. it is as though if someone else has something better- it doesn't matter- they want to be the one to benefit. many articles have been written about this mentality- causes have been placed from the U.S. to voodoo. all valid opinions.

i remember when i was building the site next to it- Darbonne 2. people got mad that some people were chosen and they weren't. i sat down with them and had a long drawn out talk- that ended with, "let me get this straight. you're just mad that you didn't qualify. right?" "right" one man replied. "so, if you would have gotten a house, you wouldn't be acting like this right?" "exactly!"- he replied. "oh. glad we cleared that up. this is what you're going to do. you're going to say, thank you patty for taking the time to assess me. i am very glad for my brother that got a house and now i'm going to go". he laughed and said, "mesi" and was on his way.

so, because some people had basic necessities at the camp- others began to terrorize them at night. they stoned one of the leaders and everyone was scared. after i went out there- one of the leaders just said, "patty, on the inside, i am dead". their faces were sad. for the first time in a long time, i could actually FEEL my heart breaking. one of the leaders wives had a panic attack right in front of us.

i don't know what it's like to be stoned because i stood up for what is right. i don't know what it's like to have to give my babies to an orphanage because i don't have the money or the security to keep them. i don't know what it's like to sit in my house terrified to leave at night because people are walking around outside purposely trying to terrorize me.

as much as i feel like i understand, i really don't. as much as i think that i have a grasp on 3rd world life- i really don't. if you've never been in the field, i don't think i can explain the beauty that still exists here. i have been here for 13 months. you may say, Patty, how can you say that? honestly, i don't know. but regardless what i may know or don't know, the Truth remains and now I'm left in silence, because all of the feelings I wish I could explain to people who don't even know where to start to understand where I'm coming from, can't be put into words. And since they can't- I won't try to.

Love,
P

yog-ocracy+ i think i'm growing up

Okay. So much for blogging more often. Lots has happened. Went to a cool waterfall after I got back, my first waterfall in Haiti. I must say again- that was a blast! then, On February 8th- it was my 1 year anniversary of being in Haiti. Wow. I can't believe it's been a year.

Ian and Monica- the only two that have been here longer than me by about a week- are leaving on Monday. This causes me to write about something quite special to my heart. Exercising is my anti-drug. Do you remember those commercials from the 90s? Well, I do. Okay, it may not be my anti-drug, well, maybe it is, but that just sounds dorky. It's my de-stresser, my way of coping if you will. So, as I've included more and more people into yoga, we've been dubbed many names..."the yoga cult", "the exercise group" but my favourite by far is "yog-ocracy". See below



the bright light in between us is Bob. Bob Harper. He's my favourite. Monica has been faithful to the yog-ocracy. Often doing it when everyone else bails. Funny moments of when we were the only two doing yoga and we'd stand side by side accidently hitting each other, before we realised that we had the entire room.

Monica and I have had good times together. I'm honored to have spent time in Haiti, loving people beside her- at shelter sites- where she's do hygiene promotion....getting pulled out of situations with Minustah (the UN) to yoga to tea time talks. And then there's Ian- who has been a good sounding board, also with whom I had the grossest experience of my life- with de-pumping latrines, I'm not too sad though- because I'll see them in a couple of weeks in Switzerland at the ROC. But a part of my life in Haiti will definitely be missed.

So,

now, onto the 2nd part of my blog- which is what makes it so long. I guess if I blogged more often I could have one topic/blog. Still working on that. So, I spent some time at the other base the past couple of weeks, working on starting our evaluations of the food part of our program on that side. A couple of days ago, I was walking around with one of my friends that I've known for about 6 months. And she said to me, "Patty, I've seen you grow so much in the 6 months I've known you". "Really?" I replied. She went on to say how she could see me grow as a worker and as a person and how cool that was for her to be able to see that.

That was surprising to me (in a good way- it's always nice when people see that you're trying to be a better person)- and made me think a lot too. because. i don't feel like i've grown very much. it's actually been this past year that i've realised some of the ugly things inside of me, that i didn't even know were there. things that have taken many tears, many angry moments, and much silence to come to terms with. you know, when i was 20 or so (back in the day) I remember how I used to think I amazing I was. Ha ha. Then I think when I hit about 23 or so, I started to realise how screwed up I am. :) Or maybe that's what happens when you think of yourself like Romans 12 says, "thinking of yourself with sober judgment", and it was then that I just started realising who I really am.

I just had my exit interview as i'm leaving in the next couple of months and when i was answering questions about the past year, i couldn't help but say, "Hmm....I guess it's really cool how God works, because had this been july, august, september- i would probably have spit nails during my interview.....but.....it's not july, august or september". it's february, and i just can't explain how different things are. but, they are.

i think in facing situations, i've never faced before and feelings i've never had to deal with before, i finally had to admit, with my head bowed, "i guess i'm not tall enough yet, God. I'm willing to grow more". And even though Haiti is known by all as a difficult place, with a people that are difficult to deal with, maybe it's a place that refines people....makes them better in that it teaches one about himself/herself.

Well, I still have a little over a month and a half left in my contract for sure. Inshallah, maybe I'll have more lessons to learn.

I can only hope.

~P

this is going to be a boring post

probably because I can't think of much to say, but I just feel like I should blog more. so, i'm trying. Let's see. 2011 is already going by so fast! The first month is almost over. Since I've gotten back it's been full of Evaluating and writing new forms and hopefully making tools that will last for a long time in the M&E department- well, at least it will if we have another grant similar to the one we have now.

it's been fun learning new things and soaking it all in. Well, in the next couple of weeks, many people will be leaving. SO sad. and yes, I've extended mine- i'm going the wrong way. Some days I think it's because I'm an idiot. Scratch that to most days. I don't think i'll be getting another r&r, so I'm quite sure that I will be grouchy by the time I get home and 2. I'll sleep for the 2 weeks that i have at home before I head to South Africa to visit my old roomie Amanda!

Next week I'm headed to our other base for a couple of days. Excited I get to spend some time with friends there. Last time, Jordanne and I slept on the roof of one of the houses there and I accidently kept clawing her- thinking someone had taken her. Hey, 4 a.m. is brutal. and scary when you think your friend has been taken.

i guess thus far in 2011, i'm learning to trust. so many options. not a fan of so many options, because then i feel as though the more options, the more options for making a wrong choice. but, we'll see. hopefully something back on the mother continent that I miss so dearly- or maybe one more year in Haiti, who knows. Praying for guidance as the SP Haiti chapter is coming to a close quickly. but, i think i have a couple of more years left in me.

random thoughts by me- because now i'm too tired to actually make sentences:

-grateful that I get to do what I do
-i guess not everyone is wired to LIKE to do what i do
-grateful for people that are placed in my life-it's like they are right where they're supposed to be
- linkin park- song iridescent is so true when it says- "remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go"-it makes life easier
-i love my mom- she's the coolest person in the entire world
- so grateful too for friends that bring you sun bags- yesssss for no more cold showers (thanks Jordanne)
- i think i have permanent bags under my eyes- yet i still look like i'm 17. seriously people, what 17 year old has bags under her eyes?

and i just want to say that God winked at me this week. just taking care of little things that wouldn't really fall apart- but would cause me stress. i like being the wink-ee. especially of a God wink.

So, new news in Haiti...Baby Doc- Jean Claude Duvalier- former dictator of Haiti came back last week. One of our security guys actually came up to me last Sunday and said, "do you know Jean Claude Duvalier?" and I said, "well, I know who he is, but I don't know him personally". So he asked me if it was true that he came back. I thought, why would he come back? He's been gone for years! Turns out he was on the plane from France at that moment. See, my friend Monica and I came to the conclusion that Haiti- is just one huge soap opera. At least that's how it runs. When things calm down- people do things to rile everything up. It's what makes Haiti, Haiti. So, things had started to calm down with cholera...There's still people in CTCs, but numbers are dropping and he comes back! and NOW Aristide, former president claims he wants to come back too! seriously? the week the presidential results are supposed to be released no less.

oh, man. this is going to be interesting. as are all things in haiti.

-P

Happy 2011!

Happy 2011! It's hard to believe that 2011 is already here, much less that it's getting close to mid-January! Is it true that as you get older time just goes by faster and faster? It seems true. I look back at 2010 and realise that amidst all the struggles that came about living in Haiti from the beginning of February on- what a great year it was! I'm really excited about this year- although at the beginning of the year comes with some uncertainty. My contract ends in the beginning of April, and it's always hard to leave. I will have been in Haiti for almost 14 months. It's my life. Living in a volatile nation and all that comes with it, IS my normal.

Well, moving on I guess to work stuff.

I not have a new job. I'm working with our Single Year Assistance Program (SYAP). I didn't realise how hard it would be to leave my shelter sites. When I came back from vacation, I talked to the person who took over my job and she said, "yeah, they won't give me this stuff, because they say they'll only give it to you". :). So, I went to go talk to them- and oh, I love them so much.

Especially this one site called Darbonne- definitely my favourite. 3 months ago, I happened to visit the day after two babies were born at the site. Well, when I went back two days ago, I saw one of the moms, with the baby!!! Here is the cutey...

src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdme4KEiImbtdDbQLnQDNoImEtHj_yRVqUu7Lj9fv7bt21Dk8HSLBhqIZa0VLemHitRT9RjP2I-Dczkt4Lw2Zc5dMQq3OdE9CgS-OS8wOqEIkXnmV9LSE_U0xF1eImhCzg0NuCuUeRF_w/s200/IMG_0096.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560309872887414754" />

It's so awesome to see such a healthy baby! Born in our shelter! Oh, how beautiful.
But I must say, I am really growing to like my new job. I'm the Monitoring and Evaluation Officer for the program, so I get to
look at all of our programs, and come up with tools to well...monitor and evaluate how we're doing. To see if what we're doing is really effective. What is pretty awesome is when you get to see how effective some of our programs really are. I actually wrote a success story talking about our WASH Food For Work. Specifically our latrines. In this program- the beneficiaries dig the pit and get food for working. So at the end, they get some food, and they get a latrine that they didn't have before! (yes, in an ideal world- or maybe just Africa- they'd do it without the food- but we'll overlook that for now).


Saturday, I got to go up in the mountains to look at some of our water systems we have running. It was I think my 3rd time going deep into the mountains. Oh, man. Something about the mountains and the bush make me happy. The people are the most amazing people that you'll ever meet and man are they tough. I get tired just watching everything that they lug up and down the mountain.

Definitely amazingly gorgeous.



The photo does not do it justice. we walked and walked and walked. we went and saw the sping cachements that we are doing through our Food For Work WASH program. SO amazing, I even drank from it.- no worries. it was clean (Bev I learned my lesson)



I was glad I got my mountains fix.

So tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the earthquake. Today was a good reminder of that. As I was walking around talking to people, those i knew and those i didn't. They told me stories from last year- how God spared their lives. And I realised how hard it hits me. The stories I heard last February hit me harder than they did then. It's like hearing what my family had to go through- because that is what they have become.

So, tomorrow, at 4:53- if you'll remember- it's the moment of silence. Remember those who passed and those who are still here.

Okay- more later- but so far, this year is pretty awesome. Let's keep it that way.

Love,
P

oh, elections.....the never ending story

C'mon Patty BLOG! Gah! Yes, So, I know I was supposed to blog about November. So much to blog about- Cholera- Hurricane Thomas. Actually reverse that order. It should be Hurricane Thomas- THEN cholera. But now I have something else. Elections.

Let's start with that shall we?

Oh, chaos. I think we all knew that something would happen. I mean, have you ever been to a third world country where there isn't some protesting of some kind after elections? Yeah, I don't think so. Well, elections were held on the 28th of November. We had a no-fly time- as I had r&r schedule on until the 30th- but got an extra day. Things seemed surprisingly calm....until they revealed the results.

There is one candidate- Jude Celestin- that is backed by the current president- Preval. And he has a LOT of cash. Supposedly, he stuffed the ballot boxes thus putting him in 2nd place-for the run-off due to happen January 16th (I think). So, those who support Sweet Mickey- who came in 3rd- but again supposedly and kind of likely- really came in 2nd are angry because he isn't in the runoff. when things like this happen, people aren't happy. When people aren't happy- this isn't good.

So, we were thus on lockdown for 4 days as tires burned, people shot off guns, the airport was shut down and people showed their unhappiness.

The 4 days on lockdown proved to be quite boring. And i was also somewhat disappointed in lack of knowledge of what was happening. I do understand that the news probably doesn't show much- because no one cares about Haiti anymore- let's be honest- it's quite true. And I guess- that's why I figured out why I should blog more often- to be a source of information. But during this time, it was quite as I responded to e-mails acting as if nothing was really happening, because I was really thinking, "if you really knew what was happening or what life here consists of -considering i just celebrated my 10th month here 4 days ago) it would probably cause your Western mind to completely explode because you will never understand"- yet, I didn't say that- I refrain :).

On day 4 (or was it day 3) of lockdown- I got to go with some people down the street to get more chicken. It was eerily quiet. Not one Pap-a-dap (a huge bus) or tap-taps (trucks that take people places-similar to a kombi or a taxi- it's just a truck that has wooden boards on the back so many people can sit) in sight. we go down the road and you can see the remnants of burnt tires in the middle of the road. We come across a roadblock and we had to stop. At first they said they wouldn't let us pass- but they knew our people and as they moved the blocks- we said, "we'll be right back!". We go to get the chicken- and there's only a handful of people out and about. It was probably the oddest feeling that I had felt from being in Haiti. It was like everyone deserted the entire country.

I come back and call my staff to tell them no work and they tell me that shots were fired in Leogane (where we work) and where they live.

Certain airlines are finally starting to fly. Although we aren't sure if the demonstrations are going to start again tomorrow- because they don't want recounts- as that won't help if the ballots are stuffed.

I leave for vacation on Saturday to NYC! whoo hoo! I've never been- so state number 37 ( I think) is off the list and I get to visit one of my friends-personal tour of NYC- in the winter. Let's hope I don't freeze to death. Hopefully I'll make it through this week- cause mentally- I am definitely ready for vacation!

Peace in the middle east,

Pat-c (my ex-pat Haitian name)

i guess i should go back to october....

I must admit. i feel quite guilty. i haven't posted in months. each time something happens, i think about how i should post- and then just put it off- when i find myself in need of 4 or 5 blog posts. so, here we go, one major event at a time shall we? I guess one major thing that happened work wise is that we finished our 10,000th temporary shelter!



yeah! 10,000 families out of the rain. not too bad. we've been blessed with materials. so it's nice that other organizations are vamping up as we are slowing down.

so, in October- we had a couple of 3 day weekends. So, on Canadian Thanksgiving, a couple of friends and I decided to go to Dominican Republic and spend some time in Santo Domingo. We managed to get on the last UN plane (if UN employees don't fill the plane, they leave extra seats open for relief workers). and all 4 of us got on! It was my first UN plane ride, but it was so much nicer than riding a typical airplane. First, you just show up and get to avoid all the other stuff that seems to take up so much time. so, we get there and in line start talking to a guy that works for the UN. He's American and interested in our shelter program. So, I talk to him a bit about it and his family is coming to pick him up because he travels back and forth from the DR to Haiti. And he so kindly offers us a ride to where finding a cab will be much cheaper than from the airport. God Wink!

Then, we get to our hotel- in the middle of the Colonial Center in Santo Domingo, and it's beautiful! and they have the best coffee ever. Plus, they have a pool....on the roof! So, the first day was amazing. we went and saw probably every single thing that can be considered worth site seeing and even things that weren't. so, at one of our last stops, the ruins of San Francisco, we thought it was time to get creative....



and became probably my favourite picture ever. we hung out at night at the square, ate good food, and just had a BLAST. i have to say it was my favourite vacation ever too. our 2nd and last night, (we were all complaining about how much we DIDN"T want to go back) we ate at this cave.





okay- let me back up. Julie decided to come with this lonely planet for Haiti and the DR. the rest of us hated that stupid book- but i must say because of it, we ended up doing quite a lot in the book. so, "the book" as we came to call it recommended dinner in a cave and it was so cool as seen above. definitely worth it. but i guess something funny that happened was that on our way back, there was only one taxi. and he wanted to charge us something ridiculous. so we said no and kept on walking. the guy was trying to convince us that it was "dangerous". Dangerous? we said....please, we live in haiti. so we keep walking and Andrew is trying to flag down a taxi, while Julie is asking whether or not we should go back while I'm adamant about how we WILL NOT go back if we have to walk all the way back to our hotel. yet, the further we keep walking, we're thinking....hmmmm....we may never find a taxi- yet we can't go back. Literally....it was like something out of a movie.yet it was funny as about 4 minutes later we find another taxi for a reasonable price. so. yes. best. vacation. ever. with awesome people.

k. that is the update for most of october. hopefully november will come tomorrow

7 months later...

Well, it's been quite a while since i've updated...i know a lot has happened, so let's try to remember it all shall we?

first, i celebrated my birthday here. for lots of reasons, i'm not a fan of celebrating my birthday, it's usually just a let down. this year i figured it would pretty much be the same. that night, they had made me a cake that said, "Happy Birthday Patty the Hut" along with a Korea cake because it was Korean independence day too. That was so awesome! Being Korean- Korean independence day means a lot to me. Cause without it- I guess I wouldn't have my mom :).I also got some Goldfish- as that's the best snack ever- and some cards and best of all- a new workout DVD- I love workout DVDs. It was probably the best cakes ever though as you can see below:



We also moved another community in. This made our 6th full community. I believe we have over 500 families moved into communities and over 7000 shelters that are already built between communities and through our partners who build on the land that beneficiaries already have. 7000 families out of the rain. so, at this specific community in Darbonne- where we were the first NGO to build, I get there and see this:




the community had put up balloons and streamers to celebrate the move in day!!! all by themselves! gosh i love that community.

And I guess in other news: We had tried to start a new site near this amazing site that I'm talking about. Well, that place is so desperate for shelter, that about 125 more people than were supposed to showed up and started a mini riot. Long story short, our security and the UN came out as our first site dealt with the angry people to protect us. So, fearing that the worst, I was trying to give out flashlights to security committee. And the UN kept waiting for me to leave. and then our security guy said, "we have to get a hold of Patty". and Monica replied, "Oh, no one can get a hold of Patty". That made me laugh.

so, the next day, we decided to go back to put up a community board in order to somewhat cooperate with the community. i ended up finding the president of the community and talking to him about his concerns. we ended up negotiating decided that we'll come back. that was nice.

i ended up going back to the first community too, just seeing if they had any problems. turns out they didn't. and now monica and i are "THEIR blancs" (blancs is a term for foreigner). and how THEY were the ones who protected us, which is so true.

but after talking to the community, i finally realised something. that the loud, annoying, typical haitian-i don't understand them or their warped way of thinking- the reasons i despise this country.....i understood a part of them. i almost cried. they were only yelling because they are an uneducated people, who have no idea how to tell me about how they really feel. they can try talking to me, but i can't speak their language. i felt like that moment was what i really needed to somewhat get them. to stop being frustrated with them. it only took me 7 months. :)

Love
p